


Don't Cry Where I Can't Touch You

by robolife



Category: Naruto
Genre: Anbu era for kakashi, Angst, Gen, Introspection, alcohol mention, honestly it's just really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-19 14:26:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10641732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robolife/pseuds/robolife
Summary: Kakashi cries more than you'd think. This is one of those times.





	1. Kakashi

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really have an explanation for this. There is the mention of alcohol and Gai is drunk for the first half (nothing bad happens, but this is a just in case warning).

It was late. Kakashi had just gotten home, he’d returned from a two week long mission earlier in the day, and it wasn’t until that evening that he’d finished all the debriefing and returned his uniform to his locker. Strictly speaking, he should have been asleep- he was finally back in a safe environment, he could finally let go of the mission stress after two weeks, he should have been out like a light.  
Of course, when was the last time he was able to relax? That doesn’t tend to be conducive to staying alive when you’re born in wartime and operate as one of the deadliest members of the military.  
The point was, he should have been asleep, and anyone else would have expected him to be, regardless of the circumstances, at 2:30 in the morning, so he felt vindicated in his annoyance when someone loudly knocked on his door. He was going to ignore it, but then the mystery knocker started to loudly call his name, and it wasn’t a mystery knocker anymore. It was a nuisance he was obligated to handle and two seconds away from being a noise complaint.  
It’s a little hard to angrily glare at someone when opening a door if one of your eyes is squeezed shut, but he was in his casual wear and he wasn’t putting his headband on just to answer the door. So he opened the door and put every ounce of annoyance into his one eyed glare.

“Gai.”

“Kakashi!.....What are you doing here?”

“Gai… this is my apartment… you knocked on my door?”

“What? Oh, well, I am tired.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Am I? Yes- I, yes.”

Kakashi sighed, continuing to glare but it had lost its actual emotion now, “And why are you here?” He asked, resisting the urge to close the door completely, dealing with drunk people was very low on the list of things Kakashi didn’t like dealing with.  
Gai squinted at him, before a long, slow smile grew across his face. Kakashi supposed he would have been charmed by it, if it weren’t so early and he wasn’t so against the idea of interacting with anyone at the moment. 

“I was celebrating, Kakashi! Another year that I’ve been a jonin!”

Kakashi blinked- had it really been another year? The days had all started blending together for him, and most people reminded him of yearly anniversaries.

(He was extremely aware of short term time passing, however, like how he knew almost exactly 4 minutes had passed since he’d decided to get up and answer the incessant knocking.)

Gai snapped him out of his vague confusion by continuing once he realized Kakashi wasn’t going to say anything.

“I was out drinking with Asuma and Kurenai!”

Kakashi squinted again, feeling exhaustion creeping in. Was he supposed to have been there? He couldn’t remember, was there anything for him to remember?

Gai was pouting now, obviously upset, his emotions were always easy to tell but when he was drunk they may as well have been a neon sign. Too bad even that was too much for Kakashi to handle correctly right now. 

“You weren’t there, Kakashi.”

And wasn’t that a kick in the gut? He looked so sad, and what could Kakashi respond with? ‘Sorry, it’s hard enough just being back here, I didn’t have time to remember something I assume you told me’? Who would accept that?

Gai saved him from having to reply by turning around to the banister on the small walkway for the apartments and leaning over the edge to vomit. Kakashi felt something coil tightly in his chest and settle, making him feel sour and wrong and like he shouldn’t be breathing but he was anyway just to spite everything. The hand that was still wrapped around his door handle tightened harshly, the old door creaking as Gai finished retching. 

When he was done he turned back around, looking a little lost, his eyes glossy before realization returned. He walked back, looking like he was trying to pout but couldn’t help smiling. That was something Kakashi loved about his friend (was that what they were? friends?); his default was a smile, it lit up everyone around him no matter what. Not Kakashi, though, you couldn’t light up someone when you couldn’t see them smile. 

Still, Gai didn’t seem to be saying anything, he was too preoccupied in trying to decide which expression he wanted his face to settle on. 

“Gai… why are you here?”

Gai stared at him for a moment, frowning.

“Because I missed you.”

Kakashi’s gaze darted away, to the side and down. How was he supposed to respond to that? People weren’t supposed to miss him, not anymore. He was supposed to fade away into nothing, gradually. Bit by bit so no one would notice.

Kakashi didn’t look back at Gai’s face- he didn’t want to see what he would find there, he didn’t think the coil in his chest would let him live if he did. It was cold though, and early, and too dark for someone to walk home drunk.

He opened the door more, stepping to the side.

“You can stay here tonight, it’s too late to go back to your apartment.”

He waited for Gai to refuse, to start talking about how he was Konoha’s Great Blue Beast, how he could handle himself no matter what. Or for him to come in, for him to start talking about how hip and cool it was of Kakashi to say something like that. He waited for anything, but nothing came, not even any movement. 

“Kakashi.”

Kakashi looked up, how could he not? When Gai sounded so uncharacteristically quiet, and contemplative, and sad. How could he deny his friend that, even when his heart felt like it was inverting in his chest, and the coil was tightening, and the door was creaking?

Kakashi didn’t know what was on Gai’s face now. He couldn’t tell. He was crying, but when Gai cried he was always loud, he made sure you knew why he was crying. Why he was so proud, or so sad, or so happy. But now he was quiet, and the tears weren’t big, and he was just standing there. Kakashi blamed the alcohol, it was easiest.

It made it easy to ignore when Gai hugged him like he’d been gone for years, when he clung to him as he guided him to where the futon was, because it was too late to set up the guest one, and he didn’t have a couch. Easy to explain away how Gai clung to him as he pulled away to get a glass of water. Easy to push away the feeling that settled in his gut when Gai finally fell asleep and naturally wrapped around him. 

He told himself to ignore how the breath on his neck made him feel sick, and how the arm around his waist made him feel safe, and the hand clutching the fabric of his shirt made him feel wanted. 

If alcohol was the excuse it made it easier to harden his heart. 

It didn’t make it easier for him to fall asleep, but he couldn’t remember the last time he’d done that in any sort of healthy fashion anyway.


	2. Gai

The first thing Gai registered as he woke up was that he was extremely thirsty. The second was that his head hurt almost as much. The third was that he didn’t really know where he was. He didn’t sit up immediately, though when he’d first opened his eyes he could tell it was still very early in the morning. He could recognize a hangover as much as the next guy, and this one would definitely give him grief. That would be for later, though, for now it was still getting to that point.

Too bad he couldn’t remember where he was yet. 

The night came back to him in bits and pieces, more from the beginning than towards the end. He remembered going to the bar- Asuma was there, and Kurenai, and others- celebrating another year as a jonin, another year he’d come out on top. He had enjoyed it immensely, but when Asuma had let Gai know he’d mentioned the little get together to Kakashi when he’d seen the other ninja later that evening… Gai couldn’t help but hold onto a little hope that he would show up. Logically he knew that was ridiculous- Kakashi had just returned that day, after all, and Gai knew parties weren’t something he typically enjoyed. 

It still hurt though, a little bit, in a corner of his heart he tried to placate with reality. 

It was natural to want to celebrate these things with your best friend. 

After that the memories got sloppier, there were all fun, and he was sure it was a great night, but he maybe should have cut himself off a little sooner than he did. He remembered the vague notion of leaving, of going somewhere, somewhere he wanted to go to say something. Of walking through empty streets, not the same ones he should have taken to go home.

They were familiar though. He couldn’t remember them, exactly, but they felt familiar in his fragmented memory. A route he couldn’t remember but that he travelled often nonetheless. 

As he was trying to remember past that he spotted a glass of water placed by where he was lying, close enough to be easy to reach but not within danger of being knocked over on accident. Definitely not something he would have thought to put there himself in that state. 

His limbs felt like lead though, so he was sure his throat could wait a few more minutes while he scrounged up the will to put them into motion. While he did, his eyes roamed the strikingly barren room he was in. There was nothing personal to hint who it belonged to, except that the barrenness itself told him all he needed to know. 

It was also all he needed to convince himself to sit up and drink the water, somewhat ashamed, somewhat panicked. 

He’d gone to Kakashi’s place.

He’d gotten drunk and then he’d gone to Kakashi’s place. Kakashi, who looked more and more stressed and exhausted every time Gai saw him. Kakashi, who had just yesterday gotten back from a mission. Kakashi, who probably would have been asleep by the time Gai had finally made his way over last night, no doubt unaware of the time and what that meant for other people who weren’t coming back from parties. 

Kakashi, who he’d been missing, who he wished would spend more time with others, who he worried about and cared for with all his heart.

And he couldn’t remember what he’d said- was it bad? Was it horrible? Had Kakashi only let him stay out of pity, and was planning on ending their friendship the minute he knew Gai was awake?

He drank from the glass of water, worry gnawing at his gut even as he tried to keep the fears at bay. He spotted a clock as he put the glass down, 3:45am, early enough he could probably sleep a little longer. 

But where was Kakashi? Wasn’t this his bed? Was he angry? Furious? Had Gai said something so out of bounds that Kakashi just wanted him to leave and never come back?

“Of course not,” He tried to silently convince himself, “Or else he wouldn’t have left the glass of water for me!”

Even to his own mind the words seemed flat. 

And so he was up, biting back a groan as the lightheadedness made him sway. He had to find his rival. Better to put his fears to rest or fruition rather than to let them fester. So he crept through the almost empty apartment, looking for his friend.

He found him in the kitchen, but he wished he hadn’t. 

Kakashi was seated at the table, a mug with steam coming out of it cupped between his hands, dressed in loose sweatpants and his usual undershirt-mask combo, with his hair completely covering his left eye and obscuring his right as he stared in the vague direction of his cup. 

What was worse though, what was the part that made his heart both stop and go a hundred miles a minute, what made his stomach fall out and leave a pit nothing could fill, was that Kakashi was crying. Completely silent, totally motionless, but he was crying.

The moment felt so private he felt like they were in different dimension, that Gai was looking into another plane of existence he would never be a part of. Another place that was so sad to see it made him want to clutch his chest, to curl up into a ball, to ignore it, to go back to the bed and go to sleep. It made him want to run in, to pull his friend into his arms and never let go.

He wanted to do so many things in that moment, but he was frozen in place. 

Frozen as he watched the tears fall onto the tabletop. Frozen as he watched Kakashi slowly reach up and wipe them away, only to have them continue falling a moment later. Frozen as he felt like he watched the silent shattering and piecing together of a statue, only for it to shatter again the second the last piece was back in place. 

Eventually he stood up and walked back and went back to sleep. His heart ached more than his head did, but he wouldn’t let Kakashi know that he’d been awake, that he’d been there. He’d wake up and act like normal, and coax and tease until he got what counted for Kakashi as a smile. He’d be boisterous until it hurt as long as Kakashi didn’t feel alone.

As long as he wasn’t crying, still as a statue, so far away that watching made Gai’s chest feel like it was imploding. 

When Kakashi was in the same place as he was, then he would do what he could. 

And maybe he’d let him know. Let him know how much he meant to Gai, how much he was missed, how much he was loved.


End file.
